


Prove it

by NEG85



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Awesome Bobby Singer, Broken Castiel (Supernatural), Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon LGBTQ Male Character, Castiel Confesses Feelings for Dean Winchester, Castiel Has Panic Attacks (Supernatural), Castiel Talks About Feelings (Supernatural), Castiel Talks Dirty (Supernatural), Committed Relationship, Crying Castiel (Supernatural), Crying Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Actually Deals With Feelings, Dean Winchester Comforts Castiel, Dean Winchester Confesses Feelings for Castiel, Dean Winchester Gets Therapy, Dean Winchester Has Anger Issues, Dean Winchester Talks About Feelings, Dean Winchester Talks Dirty, Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester Fight, Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester Use Their Words, Declarations Of Love, Drama & Romance, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Graphic Description, Guilty Dean Winchester, Happy Ending, Heartbroken Castiel (Supernatural), Heartbroken Dean Winchester, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Men Crying, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Parental Bobby Singer, Past Domestic Violence, Protective Bobby Singer, Protective Sam Winchester, Sad with a Happy Ending, Tender Dean Winchester, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, True Love, Witch Curses, Worried Bobby Singer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:54:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28065795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NEG85/pseuds/NEG85
Summary: Dean was under a spell and hurt Castiel in every way imaginable. Now he's trying to make up for it, but can he ever really make things better?All abuse is in the past and only referenced in these chapters.WARNING THIS WILL BE HARD TO READ -I do not condone violence and if you are being abused please reach out for help.
Relationships: Castiel & Bobby Singer & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

Intro/prelude

For six months shifting from one motel to the next, Dean could barely force himself to eat, and couldn't sleep without constantly replaying all the horrible moments of him...of reliving every vivid detail of the unspeakable things he had done.

When he left the hospital, he was devastated- broken. Seeing Cas...what he'd done to him.. He just wanted to die. The only reason he didn't just dive himself straight back into Hell, was the fact that he had to figure out what the fuck had gotten him to that place. He would have NEVER EVER treated Cas( or anyone else) like that, so there has to be some explanation- something was controlling him- that had to be the answer. He had to find a way to make things right- he had to find a way to undo the damage he had done or make up for it- something. There had to be a way. If he fails, he has every intention of taking his own life. He has to ensure that he never hurts anyone like that again- especially Cas.

Seeing him so broken down, fragile. Lying there in that hospital bed covered in marks that he had caused- it had shaken him to his very core. His mind had suddenly felt like a fog had been lifted and he hadn't been truly himself for quite a while. The realization that he could have and almost did die at Dean's hand. The hospital chart had listed in great detail all of his injuries. The physical ones anyway.

Along with drinking nonstop, Dean stocked up on sleep aid medicine just to get some actual restful sleep. He took vitamins and mostly drank nutritional drinks that tasted like the worst thing that had ever passed his lips. He wasn't trying to be healthy, he just needed to stay alive for now. The thought of even trying to enjoy food just made him feel nauseous. He didn't deserve to enjoy anything. Not after all the pain and heartache he had put Cas through.

He would make things right or die trying.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam and Cas, along with Sam's date, Kayla are at the table talking and eating dinner when Sam's phone rings. He checks the caller ID and it's Dean. His smile evaporates and he tells Cas he needs to take it, apologizing to Kayla for being rude. He answers the call as he closes his bedroom door. "What the hell do you want?!" He snaps.

"I finally figured it out, Sam. It was a spell- I was cursed."

Silence. Sam shakes his head and flexes his jaw. 

"Sam?"

"Don't you dare try to make excuses, Dean. Don't you DARE!"

"SAM...I'm not making excuses, alright. I-"

"Do you know how long it's been? It's been SIX MONTHS. The day you left the hospital, you packed your shit and you left like you said you would but you haven't called or texted ONCE to check on him. You haven't asked how he's doing or hell anything at all. Do you even care?!"

"FUCK, Sam, of COURSE I care okay. Will you please just let me say what I called for?"

"Fine. You've got three minutes. You're interrupting dinner."

"Okay, so like I said, I was cursed. Remember that witch coven we broke up? The one that was trying to set Lucifer free from the cage?"

"The one where they attacked and we had to kill them, yeah I remember."

"Well, apparently there was another witch in their coven who escaped. She's the sister of one of the other witches we killed. Her name's Rosanna Morgan. She caught up with us just as I showed up at the church when you were about to finish the trials. I knew I felt something come over me, but then things seemed fine besides you almost dying anyway."

"My food's getting cold and I'm being rude to my guest by taking a phone call. Get to the point."

"Alright, alright, well apparently the spell she hit me with...Sam it was...she wanted revenge for us-well, me specifically killing her sister. So, the spell she put on me was designed specifically to 'destroy the one you love most'."

"Alright, so why are you telling me this, Dean. Do you think even being under some kind of spell can just erase-"

"No, Sam. I know it doesn't. Nothing can erase what happened- what I've done. My point is, I tracked her down and I'm going to kill her. If you don't hear from me after, please just...tell Cas I'm sorry. I know I don't deserve to ask that of you but I also know I don't deserve to speak to him. I just- I need him to know. Please Sam."

Silence. Sam, shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath then clears his throat. "Okay." He says, hanging up.

He walks back out to the table and apologizes again for being rude. Cas cautiously eyes Sam until he sends him a quick text assuring him that everything's okay.


	3. Chapter 3

"You fucking bitch!" Dean screams as he puts the gun to Rosana's head. "You ruined me. You ruined everything. You MADE me fucking destroy him! The things I've done…" his voice breaks as tears stream down his face. He glares at her, jaw clenched, hand shaking. 

She simply laughs. "That's what you get! You killed my sister, the one I love most. You took her away from me and so I just had to return the favor. Except instead of killing him, I made you break him. So he would hate you. Made YOU destroy the chance that he could ever love you. Made it impossible for him to ever forgive you." She cackles and he pulls the trigger, blood spraying across his shirt and face. The echo of the gunshot followed by silence.

He wipes his eyes, walks out and goes back to the motel. "I killed her, Sam." He sent the text knowing better than to expect an answer. Not knowing what the next step is, he finishes off the last of his six pack, and swallows down the pills before sitting in front of the tv until he passes out.

The next morning he wakes to his phone vibrating against his leg, the ringer muffled against his skin. Opening his eyes, everything is a blur - the hangover-like effects are in full swing. He rolls over just enough to retrieve the phone from under his thigh. Pressing the answer button he holds the phone lazily to his ear.

"Heelllooo?" He slurs.

Silence.

He looks at the caller ID and tries to focus his eyes enough to read the name. His heart suddenly beats wildly as he swears it says 'Cas'.

"CAS?" he says frantically, sitting up. He shakes his head and tries to force his eyes to adjust. "Cas, are you there?" he asks softly now.

Silence.

"Cas?" He repeats, his voice breaking, begging for a response he doesn't deserve. His eyes flood with tears and he sobs. "Cas, I..I'm so sorry. Fuck, I know I can never undo the things I've done. I know you can never forgive me but I'm gonna make it right."

Click.

He drops the phone and buries his face in his hands as the whole world crashes down around him again. Loud sobs escape his throat and he just wants to die. He deserves to go back to being tortured over and over in Hell for all of eternity. 

There's really no hope left for anything else anymore. He frantically searches for the bottle of sleeping pills, rushing around checking beneath the bed, under the table, in his bag. He can't find them. There's nothing he can do to make things right. He doesn't deserve forgiveness even if Cas could ever grant it. 'Time to just take myself out that way at least Cas will know for sure he's safe and I won't ever be able to hurt him again.' 

"FUCK!" he screams in frustration. ' I just wanna die, I deserve nothing less. Why can't I find the damn pills?' He sinks to his knees in the floor bawling uncontrollably, breath shaky blurred vision from the constant flood of tears.

There's a knock at the door. It startles him. 'At least maybe whoever that is can help solve my problem.' He thinks, walking to the door. He opens it, hoping to see some angry huge muscled up guy ready to beat him to death for being too noisy at whatever fucking time it is in the morning before sunrise. No such luck.

Dean's knees hit the floor and his tear soaked face scrunches up as he sobs into his hands again. He can't even speak. 'Maybe he's come to finish me off. That's really what I deserve. I hope he kills me.' 

He hears the door close and assumes he's left until he hears the click of the deadbolt locking. He hangs his head in shame. 'I don't even deserve to look at him.' He tells himself. 

"Go ahead, I won't stop you. I won't fight." He hears himself mutter.

The room stays silent for a long while, besides the continued whimpers and sobs.

"Dean." Cas finally says.

Just hearing his voice is too much of a gift that it overwhelms his senses.

"Sam told me- about the witch." He adds.

Dean shakes his head. "It doesn't matter. I'M the one who…" his voice breaks. The images flash through his mind and his breath shakes. "Just do what you came to do. I deserve nothing less." He says pressing his face into the dirty carpet.

"And what is it I came here to do?" Cas asks, his tone sharp.

"To make sure you're safe. That I can never hurt you or anybody again."

"Sam told me not to come. Insisted at the very least that he come with me." 

"You should have listened." Dean replied.

"Really, and why is that? You gonna hit me, beat me, rape me, kill me?"

"No." Dean answers flatly. "You should have listened because you can't trust me. There's no doubt in your mind now the damage I can do- that I've already done."

"So, you're not going to try to tell me that everything you did was because of a spell and so none of it is really your fault. That I should just forgive you and things can go back to how they used to be?"

Dean shook his head.

"You're right. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to make you suffer, like you made me suffer. I wanted you to know the pain, the fear, everything you put me through. I wanted you to know how it all felt. I wanted YOU to be broken, to feel terrified and crazy and alone. And I came here thinking I just might kill you. Because I'm tired. Tired of hurting, of being afraid, of the nightmares, of never being able to get your venomous smile out of my head. The kind you got every time you took me 'on a hunt'. You wanna know the ONLY thing stopping me from splattering your brains on the wall right now?"

Dean doesn't answer.

He hears the familiar sound of a gun cocking. "Do you wanna know? What that ONE-thing-is?" Cas' footsteps approach him and he feels him crouch down over him. "Answer me. Do.you.want.to.know?" He feels the gun press against his temple.

Dean swallows dryly. "Just do it. We both know I more than deserve it."

Cas' voice is shaking now. "I'm gonna tell you what that one thing is, Dean Winchester. Are you listening?"

Dean nods, still not lifting his head or eyes.

"It's because I fucking love you. I love you, you bastard."

Dean sighs, the tears stream down again. "I know. I know you do, Cas. But that's why you SHOULD. That's why you HAVE to. There's no coming back- no redemption after what I put you through. Please, just kill me. Hit me, beat me, rape me, torture me, whatever you want. I deserve it all."

"Look at me." Cas says.

Dean doesn't move.

" I said LOOK AT ME!" Cas screams.

"I can't. I don't even deserve to look at you." Dean whimpers.

"Fucking look at me, Dean. Now!" Cas demands, roughly jerking his chin up.

Dean takes in the frightened, beautiful man he loves' face for the first time in so long.

"Do you love me, Dean?" Cas asks, his voice shaking.

"What?"

Cas laughs humorlessly. "Do you love me?" He repeats.

"Cas, I..of course I do. Yes."

"Say it." Cas demands, his hand trembling.

Dean sighs as the tears pour again. "I love you. I love you, Cas."

"Are you willing to do anything to prove it to me? To prove your love and to prove that what happened was only because of the curse?"

Dean's mind is spinning. 'Can this really be happening?' He sobs looking back to the floor.

Cas grabs Dean's chin again, gently this time. He tilts his head back up to face him. "Tell me, Dean. Are you willing to prove it?"

He nods, as his breath shakes. 

"But you-" Dean starts, but Cas cuts him off.

"No. This is MY choice. You don't get to take my choice away EVER again. Do you hear me?"

Dean nods. 

Cas drops the gun and it hits the floor with a heavy clang. He wraps his arms around Dean and broken sobs pour out as he desperately clings to the man he loves.

Dean holds Cas, tenderly stroking the hair behind his ear. "I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you so much. I would do anything to take it all back. I swear I would. I'll do whatever it takes to prove it. Whatever you want, whatever you need. As long as it takes, for you to trust me again. To know I would willingly go back to Hell before I would ever hurt you."


	4. Chapter 4

Dean never expected Cas to come anywhere near him again. He's beyond thankful to be wrong about that. He would never forgive himself for what he'd done, of that he was sure. He didn't even believe there was hope that Cas could ever forgive him. He didn't deserve to hope. 

Although he was under the influence of a spell, there are a lot of things that had been lingering in him- unforgiveness, doubt, anger, disappointment and those are all his own. He can't blame those on the witch. Those, he is certain, are the very things that made the spell work so effectively.

If he had actually dealt with his feelings, ever even tried to, then maybe the spell wouldn't have worked at all. He made it worse- just like he always makes everything worse.

To say that Sam isn't thrilled about Cas and Dean being in contact again would be a colossal understatement. But he would never try to tell Cas what to do. He only wants him to be cautious. He promises himself if he ever finds out that Dean has laid a hand on Cas again, he'll kill him. No excuses, no explanations, no questions or bullshit promises to 'do better'- Brother or not.

Dean tells Cas he's going to start therapy to deal with his issues- Mainly his anger. That he is willing to do whatever Cas needs him to, if it means proving himself trustworthy of continuing to be a part of his life.

Cas doesn't believe any of the empty promises Dean is making, as much as he wants to. He watches instead for actions. He's been assured that there is no rush and that he can have all the time he needs, and he intends on testing that.

********************

Cas wakes up and shuffles slowly to the kitchen. He sets up the coffee machine, then sits at the table waiting for it to brew. 

"Morning." Sam says, as he walks in. Pouring himself a glass of water, he sits across from Cas covered in sweat.

"Have a nice run?" Cas asks.

"Yep. Nothing like starting the day with some adrenaline to get your day going."

Cas feigns a smile then drops it. He stares at the table and his mind wanders.

"Everything okay?" Sam asks.

No response.

"Cas?"

The beeping of the coffee maker brings Cas' mind back.

"Sorry, what?" He asks, looking at Sam.

"Is everything okay?"

Cas sighs. "Sam..I know you care and you're concerned and I appreciate it. I really do. But please, stop asking me if I'm okay all the time. You know I'm not, and...I'm tired of trying to find the right way to answer every time. It's gonna take time. Healing is a process. You're my friend- family even. Just..can you try to give me a little more space?"

It hurt a little, the honesty in Cas' words. But Sam is glad to hear it. Grateful that Cas is being so open and direct. "You got it. Actually, um… Kayla and I, we..she asked if I'd spend the weekend with her. I, uh- just wanted to make sure you would be cool here by yourself if I went. I mean, if you're not- "

"Sam, I'll be okay. Go spend the weekend with your girlfriend. If I need you, I know you're just a call or a text away."

"Okay, I'll just let her know." He sets his glass in the sink and leaves the kitchen.

Realizing he forgot about the coffee, he gets up and pours himself a cup.

******************

(Text conversation)

Cas   
How was therapy?

Dean  
It was..a little difficult today.

Sleep okay?

Cas  
Not really.

Dean  
I'm sorry.

When do you see Dr. Miller again?

Cas

Thursday at 1:30.

Dean  
How's your coffee?

Cas  
It's fine.

Dean  
Cas, can I ask you a question?

Cas  
Okay.

Dean  
Will you have dinner with me?

Cas  
When?

Dean  
Maybe tomorrow night?

Cas

I'm not sure, Dean.

I need to think about it.

Dean  
Okay.

No problem.

Cas  
Thank you.

***********************

Cas sets his phone down and takes a sip of his coffee. Thinking about being in the same room with Dean again- well, it's a little frightening. But he also misses him. The man before everything.. He stops his thoughts before they have a chance to run through the trauma.

Realizing that if they are going to truly attempt to save their relationship, he will eventually have to start being around him again. 'Am I ready for that?'

He takes the rest of the day to think about whether or not he's ready to be alone with Dean again. Whether or not he feels safe enough to risk it. 

Later that night, he texts Dean.

********************

Cas  
Hey

Dean  
Hey

Cas  
Is it okay if I call you?

Dean  
Of course

Cas  
Okay. Give me a few minutes.

Dean  
Okay

*******************

His hands are trembling and his heart is pounding. Cas has made a point to only communicate with Dean via text ever since the motel.

He doesn't even finish typing in the number when his contact info pops up- 'Dean' along with a picture. Cas closes his eyes and swallows before pressing the call button.

It rings twice. 

"Hello?" Dean's voice is low and small.

"Hi." Cas says, shyly.

Silence.

"Dean?"

"I'm here."

"I wanted to hear your voice." Cas blurts out, making him feel way too vulnerable.

"I miss you." Dean says.

Cas feels uneasy at Dean's words. The emotions are too raw. He doesn't feel safe to let his guard down enough to delve into the heart of the matter yet. He needs more time. "Dean, I- I can't.."

"You don't have to say anything back, Cas. I'm, I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I didn't mean to push."

"Thank you." 

Silence.

"I think I would like to have dinner with you, Dean."

"Only if you're sure. I can wait longer if you think you need more time."

"I think I'd like to see you tomorrow night."

A deep sigh of relief comes from Dean's end.

"So, what time will you be here?"

"How about I get there around six and the food will be done by seven?"

"Alright. I'm going to go now, Dean."

"Okay. See you tomorrow night, Cas."

Cas hangs up.


	5. Chapter 5

Cas decides to tell Sam about having dinner with Dean. He knocks on Sam's bedroom door.

"Come on in, Cas."

Opening the door, he sees Sam sitting on his bed reading.

"What's up?"

Cas is a little nervous to tell him, but according to Dr. Miller, his life means his own choices. That he shouldn't feel the need to hide them or be sorry about them. That gives him the confidence to speak. "Sam, I'm going to tell you something. I know you're not going to like it, but it's my choice, so I'm asking you to respect it."

Sam's heart falls into his stomach. He doesn't know exactly what he's about to say, but he knows it's going to involve HIM. His jaw flexes, and he swallows, throat suddenly dry. "I understand. I'll respect your choices, Cas. Whether I agree with them or not."

"I appreciate that, Sam." He looks down at the floor, unintentionally. "Dean's asked me to have dinner with him." He licks his lips. "And I've agreed." He adds.

Silence.

Cas finally manages a hesitating look up at Sam.

Sam sighs, meeting his gaze. "Are you sure about this?"

Looking back to the floor, Cas answers honestly. "No. But..I miss him."

Sam tilts his head, worry filling his mind. "I respect your decision." He forces out.

"Thank you."

"Cas, please just- be safe?"

"I will be. I promise."

*********************

Duffle bag over his shoulder, Sam heads toward the stairs. He turns back to Cas. "I'll be back in a few days. But remember if you need me, I'm only-"

"I know, Sam. You're only a few hours away and can come straight home if something happens."

"Right." Sam says. He feels so guilty for leaving him alone.

"Go on, go enjoy your weekend." Cas says, offering as genuine of a smile as he's able.

Sam just nods, feins a smile and heads out.

The closer it gets to six, the more Cas gets nervous. 'Am I making a mistake? I can always just text him and tell him I've realized it's too soon and I just can't do it.' He takes a deep breath, looking back to the clock. 'Two hours til Dean will be here. And we'll be alone for the first time since..'

His phone gets a notification, and he retrieves it from his pocket.

Dean:  
So, just checking. Are we still on for tonight?

'This is it, last chance to back out. Should I back out?' He bites his lip- a nervous habit he's picked up from Dean. The image of his hypnotizing green eyes, freckles sprinkled around them, and full pink lips flashes through Cas' mind. 

He can't deny that Dean still holds his heart.

Cas:  
We're still on

Dean:  
Alright. Heading your way now, then. See you soon.

Cas sighs and heads to the shower.

**********************

6:13pm

*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*

Cas walks up the stairs and opens the door. 

Dean's wearing his brown leather jacket and jeans. The scent of him fills Cas' nostrils without his permission. Those green eyes looking straight into his. His face portrays a look of relief, but also sadness. He feins a smile.

"Come in." Cas says, standing aside to let Dean pass.

Holding two brown grocery bags, Dean leads Cas to the kitchen.

"I'll go ahead and get started." Dean says, setting the bags on the counter. "Guess I should have asked earlier, but you um, haven't discovered any food allergies or anything right?" He asks, emptying the bags.

Cas clears his throat. His mind and body are both filled with conflicting thoughts and feelings about being in the same room alone with Dean now. "Uh, no. Still no allergies as far as I know." 

"Good. Um.. Cas you can help me if you want."

Silence. Cas shuffles nervously, looking to the floor.

"No pressure. You can go do whatever and I can just let you know when the food's ready."

"Okay." Cas says, his voice small. He glances up at Dean then walks out into the hallway.

Dean continues getting things ready to start cooking. He stops and shuts his eyes for a moment. 'Don't push.' He tells himself. 'I'm lucky he even agreed to this.'

Cas makes his way to the bathroom, closes and locks the door. His breath starts to get shallow as he stands with his back pressed against the door. His mind starts racing, running through the bad times. The months of Dean's harsh words and rough touches flash before him.

His face is now pale- wet, tears falling and he feels like he's drowning. Gasping for air, desperately needing to escape the memories pouring through his mind. He grabs his phone and sinks to the floor. 

He goes to his music and clicks on something not even reading which song it is. It starts playing and he quickly skips through the next few. Finally familiar chords and words start and his breathing slows as he focuses on the song. He whispers the words as it plays.

Once the song ends, his racing heart along with his breathing are returning to normal. The terrified, sinking feeling almost gone completely.

He stands, turns on the water and splashes his face a few times. Drying his face with the hand towel, he looks at his reflection in the mirror. He takes a deep breath and opens the door.

Not really knowing what to do with himself while Dean cooks, Cas goes to his bedroom and sits down. He flips through the workbook Dr. Miller had given him. 

How to begin healing from abuse by Emilie Crechet

Chapter one

Remember, healing takes time. Be kind and patient with yourself. In order to heal from abuse, you need to start being open and direct with your wants and needs. Be clear with what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. It's not only okay but also completely necessary for you to put your own needs first. Be selfish.

He continues reading until he gets a notification on his phone.

Dean:  
Food's almost ready

Cas:  
Okay, thanks. Be there in a minute.

*************************

Cas enters the kitchen, grabs two plates, silverware and glasses. He sets them down on the counter beside the stove. "What are we having?" He asks without looking.

"Spaghetti with garlic bread." Dean answers, stepping back from the food. "After you." He says motioning to the food.

Cas fixes his plate and heads to the table. Dean does the same. They settle in at the table across from each other. "This looks and smells amazing, Dean. Thank you."

"Don't give me too much credit before you try it." Dean's attempt at humor falls flat. "It's my pleasure." He adds with a small, hopeful smile.

They eat without really talking.

Once their plates are empty, Dean stands and puts the dirty dishes in the sink. He sits back down and sighs.

"Cas, can I talk to you?"

Panic sets in and Cas' eyes go wide with fear.

"Oh-kay." Cas answers 

"I want to talk to you about my therapy. Hank, my therapist says that because of the- reason for me coming in that it's important that I take certain steps with you. In order to build our relationship and work to regain your trust."

'Oh god.' Cas thinks. His eyes clamp shut. "Dean, I- I'm not ready." It's still too much, too raw.

"Okay, Cas. We don't have to talk about it yet. We're moving according to what YOU need, okay? I'm not trying to push you into anything. I'm sorry if bringing it up has upset you."

"No, it's okay, Dean. Thank you. I just- I still need time."

"I know. Whatever you need." He says, catching himself as he almost reaches for Cas' hand.

Dean gets back up and starts getting the sink ready to do the dishes.

"You cooked, you don't have to do the dishes. I can do them." Cas offers, coming to stand beside the sink.

"No, I don't want you to have to do them. It's my treat. I just wanted to feed you and let you enjoy the food and relax."

"Thank you, Dean. That's sweet of you."

Dean ignores the compliment and begins washing.

Completely unintentionally, Cas stands and stares. Watching Dean do the dishes, he gets lost in the way he moves. It reminds him of the all the times being around Dean before-- things got bad.

Cas realizes Dean is finished with the dishes and also that he's standing only a few feet away. 

"Dean?" He says, feeling nervous, scared but also a little- excited.

"Yeah?" Dean answers, looking up at him.

Finding himself moving towards Dean, Cas still feels his conflicting emotions. 'Kiss him. No, it's too soon.'

The next moment, his forehead is against Dean's. Their eyes meet. "Dean, can I…?" He trails off, looking down to his mouth.

"Yes." Dean says, his voice low and small.

Cas slowly presses his lips against Dean's. It's a slow, sweet, soft lingering kiss. He pulls back but then his mouth moves back against Dean's lips again, a little more urgently now. His tongue slowly enters Dean's mouth and he kisses back, tenderly-carefully.

Pulling away, Cas is panting. The kiss was both terrifying and thrilling. His hands are clinging to Dean's jacket collar. His eyes meet Dean's.

While Dean certainly enjoyed the kiss, he can't help but feel scared.

"Thank you for the food. It was really good."

Dean doesn't know what to say. His face is full of guilt and regret. 'Please don't have kissed me to say thank you. Because you thought you had to. Before you were ready to.' He pleads silently. "N-no problem." He finally responds.

Cas looks up, with his brilliant, sky blue eyes shining. Their lips still not too far away. Dean's heart continues to race and his breathing gets shallow. He forces his hands to stay down against his sides. He's so tempted to close the distance between them and taste Cas against his lips again. He licks his lips, his eyes simultaneously beg Cas to let go and back away but also to kiss him again.

"Dean?" Cas finally says, his fingertips brushing along Dean's sharp jawline as the other hand still holds tight to his collar.

Dean gasps at the spark of pleasure he gets from Cas touching his skin."Yeah?" 

"Can- can I touch you?" He asks, sincerely.

Swallowing, Dean doesn't know how he should answer.

He moves his hand to Dean's neck and gently pulls on the fabric of his button-up shirt. "Is this okay?" He asks, as he frees the top button.

Dean's breath catches and he bites his lip.

"Do you want me to stop?" Cas asks.

Dean lets out a whimper at the impossible question. He desperately wants him to keep going but also doesn't want him to rush into anything he isn't ready for. He has no idea what the right answer is.

Cas eyes him, quizzically. Suddenly there's a knot in his stomach as a possible realization hits him. 'Maybe he doesn't like this because he's not in control. Maybe he will only ever like it if he's taking whatever he wants. He certainly didn't hesitate when that was the situation. Maybe it was never about me anyway, it was just about power.' Tears fill his eyes and his face instantly transforms from turned on, to hurt.

Seeing this look on Cas' face fills him with fear and guilt. It's like a punch to the gut. "Cas, what-"

Cas' face scrunches and his chin quivers. Tears start streaming down his cheeks.

Dean resists the urge to touch his face or wrap his arms around him. "What is it? Cas, please tell me."

"Could you only ever want me like that if-" he tries but his voice refuses to put sound to the remaining words.

'This is torture.' Dean thinks. He's dying to do anything just to comfort Cas, but isn't sure what would be comforting and what would make things worse.

Anger begins to mix with Cas' hurt. This changes his face again and suddenly emboldens him to speak. He quickly withdraws his hands and takes a step back. His eyes are now full of rage. "So, what you're only into it if I'm not?! Only if you're TAKING whatever you want! Is that what it is, Dean?! He snarls, his tone sharp.

It hits Dean that Cas thinks he was being rejected because he was holding back. 'No, not at all. Cas, I-"

"Yeah sure!" Cas yells. "Fucking lie to me when two seconds ago it took everything in you to keep from running away from me!"

"Cas, that's not-"

"DON'T fucking lie to me, Dean!" He growls.

"Please, listen to me for a sec Cas." Dean pleads, his voice and head low.

"What is it?" Cas snaps.

Dean's eyes beg silently. "It's not that I don't..I just don't want you to- do anything you're not ready for. I- I don't wanna push you. I want you to be sure. And ready. I want you to be sure you can trust me. I want you to be sure you want that. And sure you want it with me."

Cas comes back to himself a little. "I'm sorry, Dean." 

He tilts his head."You don't have anything to be sorry about." Dean says.

"I just- I…" Cas' voice decides to hide again. He looks back to Dean. Walking back over to him, he stops when his mouth is close enough for his breath to heat Dean's lips. His eyes plead silently as he looks into Dean's eyes again. "I just -" he swallows. "I need to have one good memory of this. To focus on, when the bad ones flood my brain. I wanna trust you again. I wanna get past this. Please, Dean." 

Dean struggles with the right thing to say or do.  
"Just tell me- or show me, what you want, Cas."

Cas takes Dean's hand and pulls his arm around his waist. He moves Dean's other arm against his back, his hand resting against his shoulders. Dean's heart begins to race with Cas in his arms. 

Using the back of one hand, he strokes the skin from along Dean's temple down to his jaw, repeating the movement up then back down. The other hand brushes his fingers through Dean's hair as he gazes into the sparkling emerald of his eyes.

They both just breathe gazing into each others eyes until Cas can't hold back anymore. Teasingly, he brushes against Dean's lips with his own. Dean whines, waiting for Cas to either initiate anything further or pull away.

Cas grins at the noise. He eagerly presses against Dean with his entire body, trapping him between Cas' body and the kitchen counter. "Do you want me, Dean?" He all but whispers still brushing against Dean's lips.

The words send a rush of heat through his veins. "Yes." Dean breathes out desperately.

Cas nibbles Dean's bottom lip, then releases it as he slips his tongue in Dean's mouth. He works his thigh between his legs and begins thrusting against Dean's crotch. Cas swallows the moan that escapes Dean's mouth.

The friction against his dick feels incredible. Dean can hardly believe this is happening. Cas is kissing him and rubbing against him. He desperately wants to move his hands, but he doesn't dare put them anywhere other than exactly where Cas has placed them. So he clings to Cas' heat and muscles.

" I need you, Dean. Can I have you?" Cas begs, moving his hands until his fingers are hooked through Dean's belt loops, holding him tightly. Cas moves his mouth until it's directly over the pulse in his neck and nibbles and sucks. "Please." He adds, rubbing his palm over the bulge between Dean's legs.

"Anything you want, Cas." He says in between shallow breaths.

"Lube?" Cas asks.

Dean opens his mouth, invitingly and moves his hand to Cas'. Cas allows him to bring his hand to his mouth. He places three of Cas' fingers in his mouth, licking and sucking them. 

Cas moans, feeling his cock grow. "Bed" he says before hurriedly leading Dean down the hallway. He opens his door and kisses Dean thoroughly and passionately, moving until Dean's back is against the bed and Cas is lying on top of him.

Desperately working to open his jeans, Cas pulls on his belt and finally gets the button and zipper undone. Dean lifts his hips and Cas slides them down until Dean kicks them off. 

Growing more impatient, Cas jerks with one movement causing Dean's shirt to open, buttons ripping off and clattering against the wall. "Fuck, that's hot." Dean mutters, before Cas crashes their lips together again.

Dean lifts Cas' shirt a little. Cas takes the hint, removing it and slinging it across the room. Cas moves Dean's hands to his jeans and he gets them open and pulled down with a sense of urgency. 

Cas moves where his heavy dripping cock is over Dean's mouth and he spreads Dean's legs rewetting his finger in his own mouth this time. 

Dean grabs Cas' enticing, beautiful dick in his mouth while he uses his hand to jerk at the same time.

Cas moans, then rubs his fingers around Dean's tight pink hole. He tongues across and applies pressure with his fingers. Back and forth he moves across until there is a gleam of wetness from his saliva. He slips a finger in partially, waiting for Dean's response.

Dean gasps, and takes his mouth off just long enough to say "Yes, Cas." Then takes him deeper until the head is well past the back of his tongue. He moans deeply as Cas' finger goes deeper and he adds another.

Cas moans feeling the tightness of Dean's throat.  
He adds a third finger and eases it in and Dean responds with a moan that sends deep vibrations against the dick in his mouth but partially also in his throat. Cas feels the build up and taps Dean's thigh. "Stop. I don't wanna finish yet." He says breathlessly.

Dean whines but does as Cas asked and takes his mouth off. He suddenly feels Cas curl his fingers and push deep until he hits that glorious bundle of nerves that he's only heard about in theory. He gasps, unable to make a sound. His face twists, mouth gaping open. Cas must know what he's found because he increases his speed, continuing to slam his fingers harder and harder against it. "Fuck!" Dean cries, his breathing heavy with partial broken moans escaping his throat.

"You ready for me now?" Cas asks. The look on his face is ravenous, like a predator about to devour his prey. "god yes." He says, already feeling like he's going to cum in under a minute.

Cas removes his fingers and shifts back facing Dean. "I love you." Cas says, panting against Dean's cheek.

" I love you too, baby." Dean says, caressing the side of Cas' face. 

Cas leans in and kisses Dean slow, warm, sexy and so gentle.

At that, Cas lifts Dean's legs and rests them over his shoulders.

"You're so fucking hot, Cas." 

Cas scoots up a little and easily slides in Dean's ass. Well, at least about halfway.

Dean squirms, moaning. 

"Ready for the rest?" Cas asks.

Dean glances up and nods. As he feels Cas start pushing in deeper his eyes snap closed and his head dips back. "Oh god!" He moans. He bites his lip and drags his fingernails against Cas' back and shoulders.

" Mmmm.. you feel so good." Cas praises, eliciting an even louder moan from Dean. Cas thrusts aggressively, pounding into Dean's ass. Slamming into his prostate, moving faster and harder.

"Oh Cas. Yes. Oh fuck! Cas. Baby I'm gonna cum." Cas watches his face, fully blissed out and overwhelmed with pleasure. It's too much. "Oh. Oh. Oh. Dean, cum with me." 

That's was it for both of them, as spasms and pure ecstasy flooded every part of their existence.

A few minutes later they both re-adjust and lay together. 

Cas feels so full of joy. It's Dean- HIS Dean. The kind, soft, caring gentle man he'd known and loved for so many years. He just feels pure love radiating from him.

Suddenly all the horrible images and feelings come flooding back. The feeling of drowning and not getting enough air are back. He looks over and can't help but see that vile evil smile Dean had on his face during that time period and Cas jerks so hard, he falls off the bed. 

Dean jumps up and sees tears pouring down Cas' face. He crawls until he is curled up in the corner of the room. His eyes shut tight, hands covering his ears and screaming at the top of his lungs. "NO! NO, PLEASE STOPPIT! DEAN, I'M SORRY! PLEASE NO, DON'T! DON'T! DEAN, PLEASE NO! STOP!!" 

Slowly it all starts fading away. Cas feels- warmth. Safety. Wet? It takes several more seconds to realize Dean has his arms wrapped tightly around him and is shaking. His breathing is slowing, along with his heartbeat. Dean's face is hidden, pressed against Cas' back. 

Realizing he's stopped screaming, Dean lifts his head, face soaked. "Cas?" He asks, sniffling. A little confused Cas asks, "Dean, wha-"

Dean cuts him off. He grabs Cas' face between both his hands and presses their foreheads together. "Cas, I..I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, baby." He breaks down into full blown weeping. 

Cas tears return and he grabs onto Dean. They both shift until Cas is tucked, almost completely hidden against Dean. They both just sob openly and cling to each other.


	6. Chapter 6

"Dean asked me to have dinner with him." Cas blurts out as soon as his weight rests against the black leather couch.

"And what was your response to that?" Dr. Miller asks, shifting in her chair.

"I told him I wasn't sure. That I needed to think about it."

"How did he react to your answer?"

"He seemed fine with it."

"That's good. And did you consider it?"

"Yeah."

"Did you make a decision?"

"Yeah. I agreed and we had dinner."

"Can you tell me why you agreed?"

"I guess I kept thinking about the fact that I'm going to have to be around him again eventually if we are going to try to work through our- issues."

"Was this dinner at a restaurant?"

"No, it was at my home."

"Was your friend home at the time?"

"No. He was spending the weekend with his new girlfriend."

"I see. So you and Dean were alone?"

"Yeah."

"How did it feel to be alone with him?"

"It was..a little scary. I was nervous. But the Dean I knew before- who I have to believe he really is... I've missed him terribly. I still love him. And there was a part of me that saw THAT Dean standing in front of me in the kitchen."

"So how did it go?"

"It was- fine. The food was really good."

"Okay. What about other than the food?"

Cas swallows and takes a deep breath. "Shortly after he got there all the bad memories flooded my brain and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't escape those thoughts and feelings."

"So you had a panic attack."

"I guess, is that what that was?"

"Sounds like it fits the criteria." She answers, flatly.

"Anything else?"

"I..we slept- together."

"Was it consentual?"

"Yes."

"So you don't feel like you were coerced or-"

"No. I'm the one who initiated it." He says cutting her off. 

"Okay. Looking back now, do you regret that decision?"

"Honestly I know I'm not ready to be in a place where sleeping together is a regular possibility yet, but- no, I don't regret it."

"Can you explain that to me?"

Cas licks his lips for a moment as he tries to find the right words. "I..I told him I felt like I needed to have a good memory of him and I- together like that. So maybe when the bad memories start in, I can try to focus on that instead."

"How did you feel after?"

"Uh, I actually um felt REALLY happy for a few minutes. It felt like confirmation that this is the real Dean. The one I know and not that…"

"How did you feel after those minutes passed?"

" I had another panic attack."

"And you still don't regret sleeping with him at this point in time, when you are still, in your own words, 'not ready'?"

"No, I don't regret it."

"Castiel, you still haven't answered my question."

"Okay, I guess can you repeat it for me?"

"Can you explain to me why you don't regret your decision to sleep with Dean?"

"It feels like you are wanting me to regret it. Is that your way of saying I'm wrong and I shouldn't have done it? And isn't that up to me?" Cas asks, starting to get frazzled.

"Not at all. I'm not here to judge, and it is absolutely your life and your choice to make. I simply want to hear your reasoning. And want you to hear it as well."

"I don't regret it because- when I started trying to initiate things, he told me he didn't want me to do anything I wasn't ready for. That he wanted me to be sure it's what I wanted and if I wanted it with him." 

"Anything else?"

"He let me lead. It was nothing like….he was gentle and loving. And then when I had another panic attack- when I started getting my bearings back...he was holding me and crying. He helped bring me out of it. And..he apologized again. And then we cried together and just held each other. And all the pent up emotions just poured out and felt like healing and safety in his arms."

"Your feelings are valid, Castiel. How you feel and what you want matters. It sounds like you're saying you got some reassurance about Dean's motives and how he feels about you. Would you agree with that?"

"Definitely."

"I'm glad you got to have what sounds like a perfectly lovely moment, despite the cause."

“Me too."

"After what you've been through you certainly deserve some tenderness. Your wants and needs should be put first at least for the time being. That's the only way you are going to be able to heal. Remember, it's not selfish to take care of yourself."

"Thank you Dr. Miller."

"I do want to remind you, that as touching and meaningful as that moment you had together was for you, it doesn't magically fix everything. It will take hard work for you to heal and process what you've been through and especially Dean should understand and accept that. Too many times, I see the abused go back to the abusers at the first sign of 'niceness'. Don't give back what HE threw away with you, so easily. Of course, make your own choices. I just want you to make him prove himself to you first. You deserve to have him do the work to fix what HE broke."

*******************************

Dean:  
How did your session go?

Cas:  
It was good

Dean:  
I'm glad

Cas:  
How's your day going?

Dean:  
Pretty shitty so far

Cas:  
I'm sorry

Dean:  
Eh I'll live  
How's Sam?

Cas:  
You should ask him

Dean:  
I don't think he wants to talk to me, Cas

Cas:  
Well I'm not playing monkey in the middle

You're eventually going to have to talk to each other, Dean

Dean:  
Are you doing okay?

Cas:  
Yeah, I'm okay  
Dean?

Dean:  
Yeah?

Cas:  
Can we talk later?

Dean:  
Yeah that's fine

If you have stuff you need to do, you don't need my permission

Cas:  
Oh. No, I meant like, talk on the phone later

Can I call you tonight?

Dean:  
Oh  
Yeah, of course

Cas:  
Okay. I'll call you tonight.

Dean:  
I'll be here

****************************

The weeks pass and the phone calls get more and more frequent. They hardly ever just text anymore. They have a routine- talking on the phone each night before bed. 

Dean is still hunting and so is Sam- just not together. Never together. They haven't spoken since Dean told Sam about the curse. 

Castiel is getting restless being stuck in the bunker all the time with nothing to occupy his time. The more time passes, the more he thinks of Dean. 

He misses the guns displayed on his now bare bedroom walls. And his cooking, even if it was all too salty and greasy foods. He misses the smell of his cologne and his cheap shampoo. He misses riding in Baby, shotgun beside Dean or hell even riding in the back with Sam up front with his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random piece of information, as I was writing this chapter and re-reading it, I imagine Billie (the reaper from SPN) as Dr. Miller. I can hear the lines in her voice and can see her being a therapist, professional but also caring. I like her as this character :)


	7. Chapter 7

FOUR MONTHS LATER……

“I miss you.” Cas ventures. It’s the first time he’s allowed himself to say it out loud.

“I miss you too baby.” Dean answers, his heart fills knowing Cas feels safe enough now to admit it to him.

“I need to see you, Dean. Please.”

“I need that too, Cas. Just tell me when and where?”

“You can always come here.”

Dean responds with a sigh. “You know I can’t. Not if he’s there.”

“I know you miss each other, Dean. Even though you’re both way too damn stubborn to admit it.”

“I don’t wanna argue, babe. If I show up with him home, it won’t be pretty. I know he’s set on hating me forever and you know what? I get it. I deserve it.”

“Don’t you think if anyone gets to hate you forever it’s me? If I'm willing to try and work things out with you, then why shouldn't he? You're brothers, Dean. Family. I don't want to come between you."

"Babe, YOU didn't come between us. I did. I'M the one who messed everything up."

The line is silent for several seconds.

"Still wanna see me? Or did I piss you off and make you change your mind?"

"I still wanna see you." Cas says, his voice quiet.

“I love you, Cas.”

“I love you too, Dean. Send me the address, so I know where I’m going. I’m leaving in 30 minutes.”

“Okay, babe. I’ll send it. Be careful, please.”

“I’ll be careful. See you in a bit.”

***************************************

Cas slowly pulls into the driveway, hesitantly until he sees the impala parked beside the cabin. He gets out and knocks on the door.

The door opens and Dean greets him with a smile.

Cas smiles back and leaps into Dean’s arms. Arms and legs wrapped around him, almost topples them both backwards.

Dean’s smile gets even bigger and he closes his eyes. His heart melts at Cas’ display of affection. He wraps his arms tightly against Cas’ back and steps farther inside, closing the door.

Peppering kisses all over Dean’s face and neck, Cas manages to speak. “I MISSED you!” he whines, his lips now against Dean’s.

“I missed you SO much, Cas.” Dean says, answering each kiss with his own. He looks deep into Cas’ eyes. “I love you, I love you, I love you!” he says.

Cas hugs Dean’s neck. “I love you too, baby. I love you. I missed you!”

They sit on the couch, snuggled up under a warm fuzzy blanket together. For the longest time, they just cling to each other looking into each other's eyes then kissing a little before hugging again. 

After a while, they sit beside each other, cuddling.

“Cas, there’s some things I need to say to you. You said before that you weren’t ready and it was too soon. But now, I hope you’ll let me say what I need to. I’m still going to therapy and like I said, Hank says that there are some steps I need to take with you, outside of therapy, in order to heal our relationship. Do you think it’s okay if I talk about it now?”

Nodding, Cas takes his hands.

“Okay. Um, it’s gonna be intense, is that okay?” he looks back desperately into Cas’ eyes to make sure he’s okay with that before he starts.

“It’s okay. We have to deal with it in order to heal from it.” Cas says.

Dean swallows, pulling a folded paper out from his pocket. He starts to unfold it and presses it flat, sitting up. He reads from the paper. “Cas, I’m not going to hide behind excuses.” His voice is already breaking and trembling. “I take FULL responsibility for my actions, and I acknowledge that you are under no obligation to forgive me or to continue being a part of my life.”

Cas’ tears begin to flow.

“I need you to know that NONE of the things I did to you, were your fault. You DID NOT and COULD NEVER do anything to EVER DESERVE the way I treated you.” 

Cas’ shoulders are shaking as he sobs at the healing words coming from the man he loves.

“I understand that no matter what, I can never truly make up for or take back what I’ve done. But I want you to know, I promise here and now that I will NEVER disregard your wants, needs, or disrespect you like I have done so blatantly in the past. I’m asking you to trust me, even though I know I’ve given you more than enough proof that you shouldn’t. I can’t undo the past, I can only hope that we can move forward together.”

“Dean.” is all Cas can manage to say, holding his hand over his mouth through broken sobs.

“I’m so sorry, baby. For everything. I’m here now. For as long as you want me.” Dean says, pulling Cas close as their tears fall.

“Thank you.” Cas finally says, forehead pressed to Dean’s, looking in his eyes. “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“It’s the truth. And you deserve to hear it, Cas. I’ll say it as much as you need me to. If you need me to remind you every day, I will.”

“You’re so good to me.” 

“Good, and I’m only getting started. I wanna be good to you and good FOR you.”

*************************************

Exhausted from all the pouring of emotions, they fall asleep on the couch warm snuggled up together under the blanket.

They begin to stir and Dean nuzzles his face against Cas’ neck. “I should get up and build a fire.” he whispers.

Cas whines in protest. Without opening his eyes he pulls Dean closer.

“It’s snowing, baby. Gonna get awful cold in here if we don’t get a fire going.”

Whining again, Cas speaks. “Ugh, fine.” Eyes flutter open as he places a quick kiss on Dean’s cheek before letting him up, then closes his eyes again.

Dean smiles and gets up, shivering as soon as he’s out from under the blanket and away from Cas’ body heat. He goes to the fireplace and quickly gets the fire going, adding several blocks of firewood. Walking back over to Cas, he crouches down and whispers in his ear. “You hungry, babe?”

Humming in response, Cas stirs a little. “What baby?” he says, yawning. His eyes slowly open.

“Want me to find us something to eat?” he asks, stroking Cas’ cheek.

Eyebrows narrow. “You don’t cook.” Cas says skeptically.

Dean chuckles. “Well, I’ve been working on that. I’m finding I can make more than just bacon and hamburgers.” he says proudly.

Cas sits up slowly. “Hmm. Is that so?” he says teasingly. He pulls Dean to him, smiling. He kisses him softly, slowly. “Mmmm. You always taste so good. I’ve missed your lips.” he says.

“You better quit flirting or we’ll never eat.” Dean says, helping Cas up.  
“So what are our options?” Cas asks, standing next to the fridge.

Dean holds the door open, looking inside, moving things around. “Uh, well… Ah ha!” he exclaims. Shutting the door with a big smile. “Why don’t you go relax at the table, and I’ll get the food started?” he says, kissing Cas.

Eyeing skeptically, Cas slowly walks to and sits at the table.

Dean grabs a few things from the fridge and brings them over to the counter. Then he grabs some things from the cabinets and drawers. Peeking back behind him to Cas, he smiles again. “Ready to be impressed?” he asks with a cocky smirk.

“Oh, I’m ready.” Cas challenges.

“Alright, well gimme just a few...well maybe several minutes. It’ll be worth the wait.”

The red light from the stove is glowing and whatever’s in the skillet starts to sizzle.

Cas watches Dean focus silently as he shuffles around, hands never stop moving as he prepares the mystery dish. He gets lost in just observing him. Smiling, he’s really missed just having Dean around.

“Okay, time for the reveal!” Dean says dramatically, fixing two plates and bringing them both to the table. He sets one in front of Cas, along with a fork and a glass of water, along with the same of each for himself.

Looking down at the pretty, yellow semi-circle, he tilts his head, and looks back up to Dean, questioningly.

“It’s an omelet. A ham and cheese omelet, to be exact.”

Cas still isn’t sure what that means. He’s never had one of those or heard of it.

“It’s eggs, Cas. With ham and cheese inside.”

“Oh.” he says, taking his fork and prying open a small part to peek at the inside.

“Here, just...try a bite, okay?” Dean says, cutting off a small triangle from his own plate and holds the fork out in front of Cas’ face.

Looking at him skeptically still, Cas leans forward a little. Pretending to be scared to eat.

“Oh come on, please.”

Cas smiles, opens his mouth and seductively slowly places his mouth over the bite and over part of the tongs of the fork moving back up with the fork now empty.

Dean’s heart seems to skip a beat. He had previously been unaware taking a bite of an omelet could be a turn on. He licks his lips and gulps. “You’re killin’ me here.” he says, blushing.

Cas smiles, chewing then swallowing the bite. “Wow. That’s really good.” he says.

“See, I told you.” Dean says.

“I’m impressed.” Cas offers, succeeding in making Dean blush again. “Thank you for the food, sweetheart.” he leans forward and Dean meets him halfway for a simple chaste kiss. 

Pulling away, their eyes meet and Dean leans back in for another.

“Okay, we should eat or this delicious food you made is going to get cold.” Cas says, eyes closed, Dean’s hand on his jaw.

“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s eat.” Dean says, leaning back. 

They continue eating, while their gaze keeps meeting again and again.

“I wish you’d come home.” Cas says, after he finishes his last bite.

Dean takes his hand, looking at him lovingly. “Babe.” he says. “You know I can’t do that. If I come back, Sam will leave.”

“I just miss you so much. And..I’m tired of being away from you all the time. I hate that you have to just keep staying in random shitty motels.”

“Well, there IS another option.” Dean says.

“What do you mean? What other option?” Cas asks.

“This cabin. It belonged to a friend of my dad’s. He’s gone now. No family, nobody to claim his belongings. Bobby knew him too. He says it’d be easy enough to falsify some documents to prove relation and be able to claim it. This could be my new home. A permanent one. OUR home... if you want that.” his eyes hesitantly move back up to look at Cas.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I am.”

Cas’ mind is reeling with the new information, possibilities, every thought and emotion from the past year and a half.

“Look, you don’t have to decide right now. I’m gonna go ahead and work out getting the paperwork in order. I like it here. Always wanted a place like this actually. I’m gonna take it. All you need to think about is if you want this to be your home too. And there’s no rush. I’ll be here. You’re always welcome here with me, whether it’s just for the night, for a weekend, for a month, or forever. I just...I’m telling you what I want. Now you get to decide if it’s what you want too. I promise, no pressure at all. Things can stay just like they are right now and you can come visit as much as you want.”

“You really want to...share a home with me. Like…. a home together, just us?” Cas asks, completely blown away. He never expected this.

“I do.” Dean replies, smiling. He runs his fingers through Cas’ hair and kisses him.


	8. Chapter 8

THREE WEEKS LATER…

The stars are out, the cicadas are chirping loudly as Dean makes his way up to the old familiar wooden door. He knocks firmly.

“Yeah, come on in.” Bobby calls out immediately.

Walking in with his usual casual swagger, he closes the door behind him. He enters the living room and Bobby is standing, leaning his hip against the desk with his arms crossed.

“Sit down, son.” he says, face solemn and tone as serious as Dean’s ever heard it.

Taking a seat on the faded red couch, he speaks. “Bobby, wha-”

“SHUT IT!” Bobby barks, cutting him off.

Dean’s body jerks in surprise, his eyes widen as he closes his mouth. He swallows and shifts his body weight.

“So I talked to your brother this morning.” Bobby says, with a sharp tone.

Dean waits for him to finish the thought. After a few moments of silence, he assumes Bobby is expecting some kind of response. “Okay, and?” he answers, trying his best not to sound disrespectful, just honestly not knowing what he’s getting at.

“Anything you wanna tell me?” It’s more of a demand than a question.

‘Fuck. Sam must have told him.’ Dean’s heart sinks. He’d been way too ashamed to talk to Bobby about the whole situation. The weight in his chest triples, as his gaze drops to the floor.

“YOU ANSWER ME, BOY!” Bobby commands, moving til he’s standing right in front of Dean.

Dean hesitantly raises his head and looks up at him. His jaw stiffens, as his body floods once again with guilt and shame. “He told you. About the curse.” his eyes shift back to the floor. “About everything I did to Cas.” he answers, pressing his palms together.

“YEAH, he DID! And the FIRST thing I’m gonna say about it, is why the hell didn’t YOU tell me? Instead, you both just let me believe whatever was up with you two was just some damn brotherly bullshit like it always is!”

Dean didn’t have an answer. Or rather, he had a detailed answer that he couldn’t voice. His throat feels like it’s stuffed with cotton. So dry he’s almost choking on it. Running his fingers through his hair, he looks back up to Bobby.

“WELL?!” Bobby demands.

“I..” he bites his lip. “What I did is unforgivable. Curse or not, it was still me.” He lets out a deep sigh. “Sam already hates me. I just... didn’t wanna lose you too.” He closes his eyes, licks his lips and stands up, turning toward the door with his head low. “I’m sure you don’t want anything to do with me now either. I’ll just go.”

“HEY!” Bobby says, stopping Dean in his tracks. “We’re not done here, son.” he adds, pointing to the couch.

Dean sinks back down into the sofa.

Bobby grabs his desk chair and brings it over, sitting in front of Dean. “Hold on, now.” he says, more calmly. Placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder, he leans forward. “Don’t you know better than that by now?” shaking his head in disbelief. “When are you gonna learn that you boys are my family. Blood or not, I chose you. And that ain’t EVER going away.”

Dean’s jaw clenches, he fights back the tears coming to his eyes, turning his head to the side.

“Look at me, Dean.”

He obeys, and with a sigh.

“Like I said, he told me about it all. You were CURSED, Dean. Now maybe it ain’t ALL the curse to blame but I know you. You would have never done those things otherwise.”

“Yeah, so what all is forgiven and that’s it? We just move on and act like it didn’t happen?” Dean laughs humorlessly. “Because I can’t do that. IT DID happen and I DID IT!” he shouts, standing to his feet, eyes pooling with unshed tears. He looks away as they start to fall.

“Hell no, we don’t act like it never happened! We DEAL WITH IT. Like we deal with everything else. You gotta work through this. Sam seems to think Cas has already forgiven you.”

“I don’t think I’d say THAT.”

“You two are together now, though. Like in an actual relationship, right?”

“Yeah, we are. Kind of long distance. And we’re both going to therapy.”

“GOOD! Lord knows all of us probably need it, but that’s really good, Dean. Wonderful, even. Hell, I’m proud of you.”

Dean looks at Bobby, shocked by his words. “You’re..” he laughs humorlessly, tears still dripping down. “Proud of me? After all I’ve done?”

Bobby scoffs, pulling him in for a hug. “Of course I am, son. You’re accepting responsibility for your actions, and working to make sure they don’t happen again. THAT’S something to be damn proud of.”

“Thanks, Bobby.” Dean says, gripping him tight before stepping back and wiping his eyes.

“Now, there’s some other things I need to say. Like how you’re DAMN lucky that Cas is willing to even talk to you after what you put him through. And to say it’s gonna be hard for him to really get past all that happened, may just be the understatement of the century.”

“I know.”

“But if you and Cas love each other- and I KNOW you do, I think you’ll get through it.”

Dean grins at the vote of confidence.

“But Dean, Cas has GOT to have a lot of pent up anger. It’s not gonna be pretty, but he’s gotta find a way to let it out. Speaking of anger, You've got to learn to watch that damn Winchester temper of yours. And more than anything, you better cling to every piece of advice and wisdom you learn and make sure to NEVER be that guy again- the guy that the curse brought out in you, he was a monster just like any we’ve ever hunted. You do what it takes to kill that monster inside you.”

“I will, I promise. I promise you, Sam, Cas, and me too.”

“Good. I’m gonna start checking in more with Cas. I haven’t talked to him yet about this, but I’m going to. He didn’t tell me either. But he’s family as much as you and Sam are. You know that, right?”

“Yes, sir.” Dean smiles, the weight finally off his chest.

“Good. Now get the hell out of here, and go do the work.”

“I will.”

*****************************

Cas’ phone rings.

BOBBY CALLING

Cas:  
“Hey, Bobby what’s going on?”

Bobby:  
“Hey, Cas. No point beatin’ around the bush. Sam told me about what happened. With you and Dean-the curse.”

Cas:  
*sighs* “I wish he hadn’t done that.”

Bobby:  
“YOU should have told me. You do know I’m not just in your life because of who you are to Sam or Dean, right?”

Cas:  
*silence*

Bobby:  
“Don’t get me wrong, those boys might as well be my own flesh and blood. But you’ve been a part of this family too, now for years, Cas. I know I ain’t always good at talking about feelings and stuff, but..I’m here and I do care. And that isn’t gonna change regardless of how things go between you and Dean, alright?”

Cas:  
“Thank you, that….that really means a lot, Bobby.”

Bobby:  
“Good. Now that we got that out of the way, I got a few things I need to say to you. I already said my piece to Dean. The things that happened, that were done to you- Cas they weren’t your fault. Not ONE. You get that, right?”

Cas:  
*sniffling* Yeah, I’m..trying to believe that. I know it, but it’s one thing to KNOW something is true and another to actually BELIEVE it, you know?”

Bobby:  
*laughs* “Oh BOY do I know.”

“Also.. I know you and Dean love each other, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with him. I’m not saying there’s no hope or that you shouldn’t try. I just don’t want you to put bein’ with him ahead of your own healing and peace. You don’t OWE him forgiveness.”

Cas:  
*still sniffling* “I do know that. Thank you.”

Bobby:  
“So how’re ya doing? How’s therapy going?”

Cas:  
“It’s still hard sometimes. Trying to sort through my leftover emotions and thoughts from that time period. But I’m..I’m doing okay. I am. And therapy is really helping me.”

Bobby:  
Good. I’m glad to hear it. Look, I won't keep you, but if you need anything, you don’t hesitate okay? I always got a couch to sleep on and ears to listen if you need it, got it?”

Cas:  
“Got it. I really appreciate that.”

Bobby:  
“Alright, take care. And I mean it, Don’t be a stranger, Cas.”

Cas:  
“I won’t. Promise.”


	9. Chapter 9

The door to the bunker closes with a heavy clang. Dean walks down the metal stairs, through the war room and into the kitchen. Cas is standing at the sink washing dishes. “Heya sunshine.” Dean says, standing against the doorway grinning.

“Dean, I’m so glad you’re here.” Cas smiles, dries his hands on a dish towel and walks over hugging him. “I have a surprise for you.” he offers, pulling back.

“Really? What kind of surprise?” Dean asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I can’t tell you that or it wouldn’t be a surprise.” Cas teases. “Here.” he grabs a sheet of cloth from the counter, presses it over Dean’s eyes and ties it at the back of his head.

“Uh, Cas?” 

“Do you trust me?” 

“Well, yeah. Of course.”

“Okay then stop talking and let me lead you.”

“Okay sure, but-”

“No talking.” Cas insists.

Dean closes his mouth and feels Cas grab hold of his shoulders, leading him.

After a few minutes they walk into a room and Dean’s aware it’s the dungeon room. He knows the layout of the bunker backwards and forwards. He’s getting curious now, but doesn’t dare defy the rules of the game or whatever this is Cas is doing.

“Stay here and don’t speak, don’t make any noise. I’ll be right back. And no peeking.”

Dean hears the door close and he leans slightly against the heavy duty shelf. Starting to get a little frustrated and more than a little impatient, Dean sighs but decides not to go against what Cas has asked him to do.

He doesn’t know how much time passes, but finally he hears Cas’ voice and then the door opens. Suddenly he hears another voice.

“Cas, what the hell?!” Sam asks as soon as he sees his brother.

Instantly recognizing Sam’s voice, Dean rips the make-shift blindfold off. He looks just in time to see Cas shove Sam inside then slam the door shut. Immediately followed by the sound of the heavy duty deadbolt on the outside of the door locking them in.

The reality of the situation hits him and his stomach churns. ‘Fuck.’ Dean thinks. He almost feels betrayed by Cas, but he knows he’s just trying to help- he always is.

“Come on, Cas. This isn’t funny.” Sam says against the door.

Dean can’t help but feel sick that his brother is so desperate to get away from him. He knows he deserves it, but it still hurts.

Cas’ voice is muffled somewhat by the door. “You guys have GOT to talk. And since you both refuse to take the first step, I’ve taken it for you.”

Sam sighs. “I have nothing to say to him.” he says to the door again.

This time there’s no reply.

“You might as well give it up. You know how he is. He isn’t gonna let us out til we talk.” Dean tries, not making eye contact.

They are silent for a while until Dean finally sits on the cold cement floor.

Sam sighs and sits also, but makes sure to keep his distance from his brother.

“Might as well get this over with.” Dean says.

“Well, go ahead. What is it you have to say to me, Dean?” Sam asks snarkily. He’s scowling and his jaw is flexed.

“Look, I know you’re set on hating me forever and like I told Cas, I get it.”

“No, I don’t think you do! You could have KILLED HIM, Dean! YOU ALMOST DID!!” Sam shouts.

“I KNOW THAT!” Dean yells right back. “I fucking know, okay?! I know the curse doesn’t excuse what I did. Not completely. I know everything can’t just go back to the way it was like nothing happened. But I’m trying here. I’m trying to change- to do better. To BE better. I really am, Sammy.”

“DON’T call me that!” Sam growls.

“Okay, sorry. I won’t.” Dean sighs with his hands up in a surrender motion. “Look, do you think you can ever forgive me? Or even try to? The person who did those things...I know it was me, but it wasn’t. I would have NEVER done those things, especially not to Cas. You HAVE to know that.”

“I thought I knew you, Dean. But the guy I knew, the big brother who raised me...I don’t even recognize you anymore. All I see when I look at you now is the sight of Cas lying in a hospital bed with internal bleeding, beat all to hell and TERRIFIED that you were going to finish him off because I found out about what you’d done to him!”

Dean is facing the shelf, unable to speak or even look at Sam for a moment. His voice cracks and trembles. “You’re right. I did all of those horrible things. And the curse doesn’t excuse them all away. But if Cas can try to work through things and let me make it up to him and try to forgive me, then why can’t you? You’re my brother, man. We’re family.”

Sam scoffs. “Yeah, I used to think so.”

The tears defy Dean and begin to roll down his cheeks. He scoffs, finally looking at his brother. “So, what? That’s it? No matter what, you’re just...just writing me off forever? Want nothing to do with me?”

Sam looks straight at Dean now, his own eyes full of unshed tears despite the anger on his face. “How could you….” he trails off and shakes his head. “How could you do those things Dean? How could you hurt Cas like that? Taunt him, treat him like a slave, convince him he’s worthless and blame him for everything?”

“I don’t have an answer. The only thing I can say is I wish I would have been strong enough to stop it. To keep it from happening. And I’d do anything, and I mean ANYTHING if I could take it all back-honest I would. Even if it meant me going back to Hell with no hope of ever escaping.”

“Dean, the fear, pain and hopelessness in his eyes when I found him….he begged me not to take him to the hospital. He pleaded with me to just leave him there so he’d still be there when you got back. You weren’t the one who was sitting at the hospital waiting to find out if he’d lived through surgery to stop his internal bleeding. You weren’t the one staying by his bed while he was healing and having to reassure him every time he woke up crying from nightmares about YOU. You weren’t the one who made sure he was okay, you….you always used to worry about him and do whatever it took to make sure he was safe. Then... I just don’t understand how so much could have changed.”

Dean has no answers. He isn’t going to try to make any excuses.

Sam takes Dean’s silence as the final nail in his coffin. “I don’t know you and I don’t WANNA know you. From now on consider me a stranger and just stay the hell away from me.”

“You can’t be serious.” Dean says, his heart breaking and splintering at his brother’s words. 

“Try me. You’re worse than dad EVER was!” Sam snarls.

At that, Dean can’t keep his chin from quivering. He folds his legs up, puts his head down and sobs into his knees. He covers his head with his arms as his body begins to shake.

The sound of the deadbolt moving gets Sam’s attention but Dean doesn’t budge.

The door opens and Sam is standing close like he’s trying to escape. That’s when he sees Cas but also Bobby standing just outside the door, his face stern.

“SIT DOWN.” Bobby orders.

Sam startles at his tone, steps back and returns to his position on the floor.

Dean is still weeping uncontrollably in the corner hiding his face and shaking with grief.

Bobby’s never once seen Dean look so vulnerable and completely broken as he is right now. His own chest aches at the sight, which makes his anger rise even more toward Sam. “Dean, go with Cas. I need to talk to your brother.” Bobby says. 

Cas walks over to Dean, crouching down and places a hand on his shoulder. “Come on, baby.” he whispers, lightly tugging Dean’s arm to urge him up.

Wiping his face on his sleeve Dean keeps his face away from Sam and Bobby as he walks with Cas out of the room. 

Bobby shuts the door and stands in front of it to keep Sam from trying to leave. “Dean ain’t your family anymore, huh? Is that what I just heard you say to him?”

“Yeah it is.”

“So after all you’ve been through together this is it? It’s just over, and he means nothing to you now? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I guess so, yeah.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Bobby says. “Need I remind you that you AND your brother have BOTH made mistakes? HUGE ONES! Putting the fate of the world in jeopardy! But this, THIS is the hill you’re willin’ to die on?!”

“It’s CAS, Bobby!”

“Yeah, I KNOW it’s Cas. And Cas is family to me, just like you boys are. Trust me, I said my piece to Dean about what happened. But you should know as good as anybody what curses, and spells and such do to you. They mess with your head and you do things you NEVER do otherwise.”

“This time is different, Bobby.”

“Oh and how’s that, Sam?”

“Because if Dean really loved Cas, he would have stopped. He would have been able to keep from almost killing him.”

“Oh, you mean like YOU were able to stop yourself from trying to kill Dean when that Siren turned you against him? Or like the time you were drinking demon blood and chose to trust one of ‘em over your own brother and STARTING THE APOCALYPSE?!”

Sam is silent but still has an angry stubborn look on his face.

“You know what the only difference between this time with what Dean did and all those times and what you’ve done? The only difference is, Dean always forgave you. He never gave up on you, no matter what! When shit hit the fan because of what YOU caused, he’s ALWAYS been right there beside you to help you clean up your mess! And you’re gonna sit here and try to justify cutting him out of your life forever?”

Sam huffs and looks away. “You can’t MAKE me forgive him, Bobby.”

Bobby scoffs. “I know that. But I never thought I’d see the day when I look at you and all I see is your daddy.”

Jerking back, Sam glares at the older man and jumps to his feet. “You take that back.” he growls through gritted teeth. “If ANYONE is like dad, it’s Dean! And how can you defend him after what he did?!”

“Dean was under a SPELL! What’s John’s excuse, huh? And yeah Dean has some issues to deal with and it was still him that did those things to Cas. But I don’t recall John Winchester EVER trying to fix his mistakes. He’d have to admit he didn’t have all the answers and acknowledge that he ever MADE mistakes first! But Dean, he’s trying! He’s making an effort and he’s doing everything he can to make it right! He can’t take it back, but he’s apologized and doing the work. Cas is trying to work things out with him. CAS is the one he wronged, so why is it that YOU’RE the one not willing to let it go?”

Sam doesn’t answer. Looking away again, he gulps.

“Oh...I get it. This isn’t really about that at all, is it. You’re using this as an excuse because you’re jealous. You’ve got feelings for Cas.”

“And what if I do?”

Bobby scrubs his hand over his face and laughs humorlessly. “So, now what you’re telling me is the REAL truth of the matter when you get down to it, is that you’re choosing Cas over Dean?”

“No, of course not. Dean’s the one who-”

“Dean hurt CAS, not you. Sure, he lied to you and kept it from you, but CAS is the one he ultimately hurt, betrayed and more. I always thought you were a good man, Sam but...you’re willing to write off your brother forever over a crush? Come on, you know they love each other. And if they can work through this and work things out, you should be happy for them. They WANT to be together, Sam. But you’re acting like a jealous teenager about to run away from home and never look back, over someone you might wanna date?!”

“It’s not like that.” Sam protests.

“Then what is it like? You think you’re in love with him?”

“Maybe.”

“Do you think he feels the same way about you?”

“I don’t know. I thought he might, until Dean came back around.”

“Did you ever talk to Cas about it?”

“No, how could I? I didn’t want to take advantage of him while he was vulnerable.”

“So you’re NOT jealous that he’s with Dean now? Like, for real this time.”

“I would never hurt Cas. I could never do the things Dean did to him and he deserves someone better.”

“Someone like YOU?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“And by the way, don’t you have a girlfriend?”

“I ended things with her.”

“Ahh I see. You think if you write Dean off and get rid of your girlfriend then Cas is just going to fall into your arms like a damsel in distress and you’re his knight in shining armor?”

“I WAS THERE! HE WAS THE ONE WHO DID THE DAMAGE BUT I’M THE ONE WHO MADE SURE CAS WAS OKAY! I’M THE ONE WHO’S BARELY LEFT HIS SIDE!”

“And what, you think that means you deserve him? That he OWES it to you, to be with you?”

“What? Of course not, that’s…”

“You need to get your priorities straight. You need to stop this crush, this obsession whatever you wanna call it- with Cas. He’s with Dean and you should let them be. They love each other and if you REALLY cared about Cas, you’d want him to be happy in whatever way that means for him. I’m disappointed in you, Sam. Manipulation was your daddy’s game and I never expected you to follow in his footsteps.”

Sam’s closed fist collides with Bobby’s face, knocking the older man backwards.

“Don’t you EVER compare me to him!” Sam growls.

The door flies open and Cas runs in. His eyes go wide as he takes in the image before him. “Sam, what the hell? What did you do?!” he demands, helping Bobby up.

Sam’s jaw still clenched, he shakes his head and bolts out the open door.

Cas opens his mouth to speak, but Bobby interrupts. “Let him go.” he says, as he steadies himself back on his feet. “Where’s Dean?”

“In my room, why?”

Bobby makes his way as quick as he can toward the other end of the hallway when he hears the bunker door slam shut. A wave of relief rushes through him and he calmly walks the rest of the way to Cas’ closed door. He knocks gently. “Dean, can I come in?”

Dean clears his throat. “Guess so.”

Opening the door Bobby sees Dean sitting on the edge of Cas’ bed. His face still puffy and eyes red rimmed from crying. Bobby takes a seat beside him and puts his arm around his shoulders. “Just give him some time, he’ll come around.” he offers.

Dean doesn’t respond, just looks down at the floor.

Cas walks in and stands on the other side of Dean, taking his hand in his.

“Alright, well I need to get back. You two gonna be alright?”

“Yeah, I think so. Thanks Bobby.” Cas says forcing a smile.

“No problem.” is all he says, before clapping Dean on the back. “Either of you need anything, you call me.” He says before walking out. They hear the bunker door close a few moments later.

“I uh, probably shouldn’t be here when Sam gets back.” Dean says, suddenly standing up.

Cas doesn’t say anything, but doesn’t want him to go.

Dean lets go of Cas’ hand, kisses his forehead and heads toward the door.

“Wait.” Cas says as Dean makes it to the doorway.

Turning around to face him, Dean sighs. “Yeah?”

“I’m coming with you.”

“You are? Wait, are you sure?” he asks, walking back over to Cas.

Cas takes both Dean’s hands in his. “I’m sure.” he says, kissing him softly. “Just let me grab some things and we’ll go.”

“Need any help?” Dean offers.

Smiling, Cas nods. “Sure.”

They gather up some of Cas’ things and after about 20 minutes, they are both carrying a duffle bag each out to the impala. Dean opens the trunk and tosses them both in.


	10. Chapter 10

As Dean drives them out of town, Cas slides over beside him, resting his head on Dean’s shoulder. “I love you.” Cas says, as he places his hand on Dean’s thigh.

Dean grins. “I love you too, sweetheart. We’ll be home in a few hours. Go to sleep if you want. I’ll wake you when we get there.”

“Okay.” is all Cas says, then curls up against Dean more and closes his eyes. 

The hours drag by and Dean keeps hearing Sam’s words repeating in his head. 

‘I don’t know you and I don’t wanna know you. From now on consider me a stranger and just stay the hell away from me.’ 

‘You’re worse than dad EVER was.’

He tries to shake them off, but the aching in his chest refuses to let up. The only thing he can focus on to try to keep himself from really losing it is having Cas by his side.

He breathes deeply, trying to concentrate on the sound of the purring engine and the feel of Cas’ warmth at his side. The pressure in his chest releases a little as he realizes Cas is coming home with him. Maybe he’ll want this- to make this their home together.

Finally pulling into the driveway of the cabin, Dean sighs before putting the car in park and killing the engine. “Cas, baby we’re home.” he says softly. Cas’ eyes flutter open and he stirs.

“We’re here. You ready to go inside? I’ll grab your bags.”

Sitting up and stretching his arms out, Cas takes a deep breath and smiles at Dean. “Yeah let’s go inside. I can carry one of the bags.”

“Okay.” Dean says pecking Cas’ cheek.

They each grab a bag and head inside. Dean tosses the keys on the table and locks the door behind them.

“Where do you want my bags?”

“You can put ‘em in the bedroom.” Dean answers.

Cas nods and heads in, with Dean following behind. “There’s plenty of space in the closet and the dresser. You don’t have to worry about putting all your stuff away right now though, if you want to wait til later.”

“I think I’ll wait. Come to bed with me?” he asks and Dean grins. 

“Go ahead and get comfortable, I’ll be right back.” he says, pecking Cas on the lips. He goes to check the windows and doors to ensure they’re locked.

Pulling back the covers, Cas slips out of everything but his plain white boxers and climbs into bed. He sighs happily. Despite the current drama, this will be the first time he gets to sleep next to Dean and wake up beside him.

A few moments later, Dean comes back into the bedroom and strips down as well. He leaves his boxers and tshirt on because he doesn’t want Cas to think he’s assuming anything. Dean is perfectly happy to have Cas in his bed sleeping beside him.

Climbing under the covers on the right side of the bed, Dean moves to lay on his side, facing Cas. “Comfortable?” he asks, genuinely wanting to make sure he would be able to sleep well.

“Almost.” Cas answers. He moves over and kisses Dean. Then turning over to face away, he scoots back against him and pulls Dean’s arm over him.

Dean grins. “Better?”

Cas hums happily. “Much.”

“I’m so glad you’re here with me.” Dean says, voice low beside Cas’ ear.

Smiling, Cas replies. “Me too.”

“Thank you.” Dean says, pulling Cas close.

“For what?” Cas asks, curiously.

Dean’s voice has traces of sadness. “For loving me.”

“How could I not?” Cas asks, trying to be reassuring.

“Pretty easily, if past experience has taught me anything.” Dean laughs humorlessly.

Cas quickly turns over quickly and shoots Dean a pleading look. “Please don’t talk about yourself like that.” he says, cupping Dean’s face.

“Okay.” Dean agrees.

Cas snuggles against Dean again, but this time he’s facing him and puts his arm over Dean. With his other hand, Cas runs his fingers through Dean’s hair. He presses his mouth against Dean’s and kisses him. And again. And again. Then pulls back and smiles. 

Leaning forward, Dean kisses him softly. He lingers against Cas’ lips.

“Dean.”

“We don’t have to do anything, Angel.”

Cas pulls Dean back to him, kissing him again softly at first, then deepening it.

Dean wraps his arms around Cas, then Cas pulls him closer and moans into Dean’s mouth.

“Cas, we really don’t have to. I don’t want you to think-”

“I know. I want you. I want this, Dean.” he shuts him up with another kiss and pulls Dean on top of him.

“God, I’ve missed you baby.” Dean says, kissing down Cas’ neck.

Mmmm. “I missed you too.” Cas answers, grabbing Dean’s shoulders.

“It feels so good just having you here and in my bed. Cas baby, just you being here makes this place more like home.” Dean kisses along Cas’ jaw and then just below his ear. He nibbles against the flesh where his neck and shoulder meet.

“Lose the shirt.” Cas whines and Dean quickly gets out of it. “You’re beautiful, Dean.”

“So are you, baby. So beautiful.” he says kissing Cas again.

Cas spreads his knees apart and lifts them so that Dean is between his thighs.

Dean pulls back, breathing heavy. “Let me make you feel good?”

Cas nods.

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” Cas answers without hesitation.

“Turn over.”

Rolling onto his stomach, Cas waits to see what Dean has in mind.

Reaching and tugging lightly on Cas’ boxers, Cas lifts his hips off the bed and Dean pulls them down and off.

“Get on your knees baby.” Dean says. “Please.” he adds, pressing a kiss against Cas’ shoulder.

Cas lifts his ass into the air, head down and on his knees.

“There you go. That’s perfect, sweetheart.” Dean praises.

Suddenly Cas feels Dean spread his ass cheeks apart followed by warmth and wetness. Instantly he can’t help but moan at the sensation of Dean’s tongue against his sensitive hole.

Dean pulls back. “You like that, baby? You want more?”

“Yes. Please.” Cas whimpers.

Sinking down into the bed, Dean keeps hold of Cas and buries his face against the curve of his ass. Licking nonstop, circling around his rim, then dragging the flat of his tongue across. He alternates between the two until he starts pressing his tongue more firmly against Cas’ opening, causing Cas to almost shout with pleasure.

“Fuck.” Cas says, feeling his body ignite with desire. His hips start to thrust back against Dean’s tongue on their own.

Saliva starts to drip down and right when Cas feels like he’s about to lose his mind from the teasing, Dean stops. They lay back down beside each other, Cas turning over on his back again.

“Touch me, Dean. Please.” Cas looks at Dean, eyes pleading along with his words.

Dean immediately dips down and puts his lips around Cas’ thick erection.

Cas grips Dean’s hair and breathes heavily as his head tilts back and his eyes close. “Dean, feels so good.”

Humming around Cas’ dick in his mouth, Dean moves his hand down and teases Cas’ entrance with his fingertip.

Gasping, Cas moans and jerks slightly. “Yes.”

Cas’ rim still spit slick, Dean easily slips his finger inside about an inch, then waits for Cas’ reaction.

“More.” Cas begs.

Dean carefully slides the rest of his finger inside and waits again. When Cas doesn’t tell him to stop, he pulls out a little then pushes back in.

“Open me up for you, baby.” Cas says, panting.

Slowly Dean adds a second finger and as soon as both are all the way inside, he curves them and finds Cas’ prostate easily.

“Dean.” Cas breathes.

“Yeah baby?”

“Dean, stop baby I don’t wanna finish yet.”

Pausing, Dean doesn’t move. “Stop what? Stop everything?”

“Finish opening me up, just don’t make me cum yet baby.”

“I can do that.”

“Kiss me while you finger me?”

Crashing their lips together, Dean scissors his fingers inside Cas while he licks into his mouth.

Cas breaks the kiss. “Now.”

Dean pulls off his boxers, throwing them off the bed and climbs up til he’s between Cas’ thighs again. “You sure you don’t want me to grab some lube?”

“I want you now. Please Dean, I need you inside me baby.”

“Okay, I’m right here Angel. You have me.” he kisses Cas again as his hand guides his cock to Cas’ opening.

“Right there.” 

“I’ve got you, baby.”

Pressing in slightly, he watches as Cas throws his head back and his face twists with pleasure.

“That okay?” Dean asks as Cas clings to his shoulders.

Cas nods eagerly, looking back at him and pulling him back to kiss him again. He pulls Dean’s hips toward him and Dean takes the hint.

Dean presses in slowly, but doesn’t stop until he bottoms out.

“Take me.” Cas pleads breathlessly.

Starting to thrust against Cas, Dean moans at the tight, wet, heat. “You feel amazing, baby. So tight, so good for me, Cas.”

“Dean, oh god. Feels so good. Love having you inside me.”

They moan together, Cas clinging to Dean’s hips with his legs until Dean leans up and pulls Cas’ legs over his shoulders.

Before Cas can react, he feels that electrocuting pleasure feeling again when Dean thrusts into him at this new angle. “Yes. Yes, please.”

Plowing into Cas faster and harder, Dean watches Cas’ face as he comes undone from his prostate being hammered into repeatedly.

“Don’t stop. Oh god, I’m gonna cum, baby. Please make me cum.”

Not slowing down or easing up, Dean continues and feels his own orgasm quickly approaching. “I love you, Cas. So much.”

Cas grabs Dean and pulls him down into another deep kiss as Dean continues his thrusting.

They moan into each other’s mouths and break apart gasping for air as they both cum, clinging to each other tightly.

“I love you too, baby.” Cas is finally able to answer.

Dean kisses him again, softly, then lingers against Cas’ lips. “Thank you for coming home with me.” he manages, hiding his face against Cas’ neck.

“I belong with you, Dean. Wherever you are is where my home is.”

“You- do you really mean that?”

“Of course I do.”

“Cas, I…” he can’t finish as tears stream down his face.

“I’m here, Dean.” Cas says, pulling him into a hug.

“You’ve always been there for me, Cas. I know I don’t deserve you. I’m not good enough, you deserve so much better. But selfishly I still want you to be with me.”

“Dean, you’re the most unselfish person I’ve ever met. And I love you. I forgive you for your mistakes. You’re the one I want. I wanna be with you. I want a home with you.”

“I love you.” Dean says kissing Cas again. “I love you so much.” Another kiss. “I swear, Cas I’m gonna always do my best to make you happy.” Yet another kiss.

This time Cas doesn’t let Dean immediately pull back. He rolls them over until he’s lying on top of Dean. Breaking the kiss only to gasp for breath before leaving a trail of small hickeys and light bruises along Dean’s neck and shoulders.

Panting again, Dean lightly scratches against Cas’ back. Moaning again, he lifts his hips, rubbing his naked cock against Cas’. The friction isn’t enough, but it still feels good.

Cas moans feeling his erection return as Dean’s stiffening length rubs against him.

They continue making out until they are both gasping and panting cuddled together again. Dean runs his fingers through Cas’ hair for a few minutes before rolling to face away. Cas scoots up against Dean’s back and hugs his arm around him.

Cas takes Dean’s hand and presses it against his chest. “You have my heart, Dean. You always have.”

Dean brings Cas’ hand to his mouth and presses a soft kiss against his knuckles. “Then I’m the luckiest sonofabitch who ever lived.”

Smiling sleepily, Cas eyes begin to flutter closed. “Goodnight, Dean.”

Kissing Cas’ shoulder Dean smiles and pulls Cas’ arm tighter around him. “Goodnight, Angel.”

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I'm not giving up on this I just haven't had the next chapters come to me yet but I swear I'll be continuing ❤


End file.
